.: jus' fyrfli tings :.

fear and despair ... with a pinch of anger

it's been a while ... i've been procrastinating about posting for ... well ... months now. i find that i dump stream of consciousness here and that's not always easily followed for you, dear reader. and i wanted to do better by you. but, as with the typical AuDHD brain, i keep getting distracted. but i need to break my silence now.

it's been a few months since trump was re-elected.

i wasn't surprised. i am acutely aware of what the average voter in this country wants and just how ignorant they are about what they are voting for ... and that inevitably meant we were going to get trump in the white house again. they are so far down the cult rabbit hole that no amount of warning was going to change their minds. there's no convincing these people that they are about to be in a world of hurt if what they want is for people like me to hurt. even if it means they hurt too ... they want people like me to die.

that sounds extreme. i know. it sounds preposterous. how can anyone want someone else dead just by virtue of who they are?

well, dear reader, welcome to the united states. i'd say we're happy to have you, but the only reality in which that is true is if you are white and from a scandinavian country. hell, these people don't even like canadians anymore. the whole entire point of this country is and always has been about white supremacy at the expense of whatever groups are popular as scapegoats and inhuman at the moment. remember that the irish were once persona non grata in this country too. who can call themselves white is arbitrary, decided by a few very powerful people.

and that's the bottom line right there ... "a few powerful people".

you know, since tiktok is no longer the cool platform, and i absolutely refuse to give facebook anything more about me, i've taken to watching shorts on youtube. (i know, google is as bad ... what can i say?) i spotted a video the other day ... the host asked his guest how it was that the so-called ev brain is so firmly entrenched in trump's ass and the guest responded that nothing else is more powerful than being able to manipulate the mind of one of the most influential and powerful men in the world.... and let's be clear ... trump is an incompetent old wannabe... he is easily manipulated. give him the attention and adoration he seeks, and he'll do anything for you. up to and including breaking the law outright.

and that is what he is doing ... in full open view of everyone who is paying attention. and no one is standing in his way, or fighting back because he is doing precisely what they've all wanted from day one. and there are no consequences for doing this. all the january 6 rioters are now free to roam the streets again ... but we're deporting shoplifters. 🙄

i have been desperately trying to avoid knowing because knowing makes me anxious and panicky ... and i can't function in that state. and there's very little, if anything, i can do to change things. so... i choose ignorance. i can do that because i am protected to some extent.... it is a position of privilege. and i damn well know it. i can afford to not look while this country burns. and frankly ... i am at the point that i want it to burn. i don't even care anymore if i am here when it does.

the only thing i can do is immerse myself in coding, system adminstration, and gaming. it's the only things keeping me sane these days. especially since everyone close to me is showing just how indoctrinated they are by the façade of a benevolent united states. even the closest of all my friends is willing to believe i have become hateful .... rather than acknowledge that i actually have reason to be angry. i have come to realise that that is not the kind of friend i want in my inner circle.

i shed people like dogs shed hair. it's beginning to concern me. can someone be so principled that they hurt themselves? i am hurting myself. i can't withstand that kind of personality around me because i can never be me around them. being me brings judgment and shunning. what sort of friend does that?

so here i am ... slowly and surely disappearing into myself. and it really should bother me more than it does. but all it's doing is making me realise just how different i am and how much i have been masking all my life and just how much i cannot be myself around most people i come in contact with. and how desperately alone i am. but i prefer that. i honestly prefer being alone than being forced to pretend.

what's that say about me?

it says that even in the face of fear and despair, i am angry and principled and i refuse to be any other way.